I’m Here Without You

A hundred days made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face,

I was laying underneath the bed when suddenly the door opened. Someone entered the room.

A thousand life’s have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same,

I saw a foot of an old person that slowly enters the room.

All the miles have separate, it disappeared now when I’m reading of your face.

I peeked outside, an elderly woman came in, she is smiling as she looked all around the room.

She has a pleasant face, she is old but still beautiful, her face looks familiar to me.

“Jessica”

I’m here without you baby, but you still on my lonely mind,

She sat on the edge of the bed and continued to look around the room. Then she touched her chest, closed her eyes and smiled.

I think about you baby, and I dreamed about you all the time,

I slowly approached her from behind, looking at her intently making sure that she is really Jessica. The nearer I come, the more faster my heart beats.

I’m here without you baby,

She slowly turned towards me, both of us staring at each other. I smiled at her. It really is Jessica. She looked at me from head to foot, she touched my cheeked and smiled back at me.

But your still with me in my dreams, and tonight, it’s only you and me.

She is almost in tears while smiling, it looks like she also could not believe that I am here.

“Hi Jessica”, I said smiling.

She continued to caress my cheek, “Allen?” she says.

“Ya, it is me the monster inside of your bed,” I said grinning, she laughed.

“You haven’t change, still young, such a wondrous thing.”

“See? I’m right, I cannot be with you.”

“True, the reason why our love story become tragic.”

“But you made another love story with Chris,” I said smiling. “By the way how is he?”

“Your right I made another love story with him, I love him. He passed two years ago.” I was saddened by what she said. “How about you? How are you?” She asked.

“Me? Still the same. Still like this.” I said at her smiling.

Staring at each other, she looked different from my sight, I now see her as the young Jessica.

“Like Peter Pan, Peter remained young and Wendy grow old.” she said smiling.

“But not like Peter Pan, he can choose whether to grow old or not, I cant.”

“More worse than Romeo and Juliet, at least in the end they were together.”

“Romeo can die, but I cant.”

Our tears gradually flowed.

“I’ve endured for so long,” Jessica said.

[Jessica’s POV]

(Flashback)

I had given birth to a child, and I was crying seeing my first child. I am now a mother Allen.  I have a daughter now and I’ll named her Christine, from her father’s name Chris.

It was really hard and at the same time happy being a first time Mom, but Chris is always there for me. We both adjusting for being first time parents.

I did not introduced her to you, because of what I had said before. You know my reason right?

Because of sadness, I poured all my time and love to my family. I saw Christine growing and I am proud to Chris and me because I know we are successful in raising her.

Everyday I longed to talked to you and say hello, see you face and hear your voice. But I endured because I don’t want to cry and I also promise that I will be loyal to Chris.

When dad died and mom followed, I was really sad. I cant stop myself to come to my room and talked to you, though you did not spoke but my the pain I felt lighten. Because I know that you are listening.

Many are wondering why I don’t want to sell the house and just left it vacant. Even Chris said that we should just live there and give Christine my room but I refused so that you can lived there.

Many years has passed but I still love you Allen. I know it was unfair to Chris because was loving other man than him. You are my first love and he is my present love, but I know Chris felt how much I love him. I thought many times times to tell him about you but maybe he won’t believe me, so I just left it.

Time flew fast, Christine is now in college. There are men who courted her at the house, and maybe she has also someone she like. So this the feeling of being a parent, you will be protective of your child.

When Christine graduated college and had a job.  There was our fear that we might wake up one day and you will also get married.

My relationship with Chris further deepen. We’ve been together for so long and our love also deepens, but I still could not forget about you Allen.

The time that fears me the most has come. Christine is getting married. Imagine the baby that I was carrying, the child that I was chasing in fear that she might injured herself, and the child that was crying for me before. Is now a woman, in love and going to marry. I cried when I saw her walking in the isle towards the altar. I am happy to I have raise her with Chris.

Christine also had a family of her own. We are left with just the two of us. Until she became a mother and I became a grandmother.

Chris and I both grow old being together, I grow old with him, he is my forever. Until one day in the balcony of the house sitting on the rocking chair, he grabbed my hand.

“Thank you for everything,” he said smiling.

“Same, than you too.” I answered.

“I know that at first you did not really love me.” I was surprised at what he said.

“And I was jealous at the person you love,” he added, “I was searching for him, but I did not found anything.” he tightened his hold on my hand, “the said that I was your first boyfriend and the don’t know any person that you love.”

“Chris”

“Jessica, thank you! Because at first I thought you will eventually leave me. I really love you. But eventually I feel that you also love me.”

Tears flow while smiling looking at him,it was not a mistake that I choose to be with him, I could see his love to Christine and me. He is a very good husband and father. I am thankful that God gave him to be with me while we are still alive.

“I love you Jessica.” He whispered.

“I love you too Chris.” I answered.

I went to the kitchen to make a coffee for him. I returned for a few minutes, I saw him sleeping.

“Hon, wake up and drink this coffee,” I said and gently patting him.

“Hon? Hon?” still no answer.

I was nervous and check his pulse, I can’t feel any pulse from him and he is also not breathing. I saw his serene face and he looks like he was just sleeping. I know he left happy. I cried while I held him.

The miles just keep rolling as the people even wait to say hello,

I’ve heard this life is over rated but I hope that it gets better as we go, Ooooh yeaah!

[Allen’s POV]

“I learned the love that I have with you is ‘love is sacrifice’, sacrifice to see and know that you will be with other man, but I could tell that I made the right choice Jessica. ” I smiled at her.

“Allen..”

“Hmm?”

“I want to sleep,” she said smiling.

I nodded at her, we both lay on the the bed, I am hugging her from behind.

“I miss this feeling.” She whispered.

“Same.”

I kissed her on the cheek and forehead, then we both fell asleep.

“Sweet dreams Jessica.”

“Sweet dreams too Allen.”

I’m here without you baby,

But your still on my lonely mind,

I think about you baby,

and I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby,

but your still with me in my dreams,

and tonight girl, it’s only you and me!

[Christine’s POV]

I returned home with my children to visit my mother, but she was not home so I thought that maybe she went alone to her former home, to my grandparents home.

We rode a car with my children to visit her there, I visited there for just a few times, because we rarely visit there. There was a room that I want to enter but it was locked and mom forbid me to do so.

I park the car in front of the house, I am holding my two children with both of my hands when we entered.

“Ma! Ma! Ma where are you?” I shouted when we entered.

I looked around the first floor of the house but I did not see her, I left my children in the living room and climb to the second floor.

“Just stay there okay? I’ll just look for your grandma upstairs.” I said to my children the went upstairs.

I looked repeatedly through the whole second floor but I could find my mom, the only room that I did not look is the one the she forbids me to go, her room.

I grabbed the door knob and turn it, I was surprised when I learned that it was open. This is my first time entering this room.

When I entered, I saw her sleeping in the bed. She is smiling so I also smiled approaching her.

I looked around the room, my mom’s room is nice and her things when she was kid and teen was still here. Maybe she missed all of it that’s why she visited here alone.

I knelt on the edge of the bed where she is facing and gently stroked her hair.

“Ma?  Wake up, your grandchildren is here.”

“Ma? Wake up, let’s go back home.”

“Ma? Wake up, you grandchildren is looking for you.”

“Mama.”

Until I noticed that my mother is gone. I am crying while caresses her hair “Ma wake up!”

“Goodbye ma.”

I hugged her tightly while crying, after a short while my children entered, they had followed me.

“Hi grandma wake up, let’s play.” said my youngest child.

“Your grandma is resting.” I told him.

“How much longer will she rest? Why are you crying?” I just smiled at him and hugged him.

[Allen’s POV]

A few minutes when I woke up, I noticed that she didn’t move and also not breathing. My tears just fell and I hugged her tightly. She’s gone, I know she’s happy where she is right now together with Chris.

“I love you Jessica.” I whispered closed to her ears.

A few moments later I heard someone calling for her, it seems it was Christine her daughter. I went under the bed. She entered the room and woke Jessica, shortly she found out that Jessica is gone, she wept and embraced Jessica. Shortly, her two children also entered, a girl and a boy.

I cried quietly under the bed, my chest seems to erupt from pain, it is hard to wept quietly as you see her body taken away.

Our love was tragic, our love was wrong timing, what if we met at the right time? Where everything is okay and not complicated, maybe we end up together, us married, become a father of your child and be with with you until we grow old until death. But love isn’t love without feeling the pain, the good thing of all this, you love her, she loves you and the two of you living each other. Even if in the end of it, we have only once upon a time and we never really had a happy ending lived a happily ever after. At least we both love each other, and that’s all it matters.

The end.


translated by: seiji


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9 thoughts on “I’m Here Without You”

  1. Waaahhh!!! Such a sad ending!! I really hope that he was able to get out of the bed but in the end he wasn’t able to…. 😦 Thank you so much for the novel! And all the people who translated it for us!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a powerful story of love which helped both parties pass though difficult times.A bitter sweet love that never breached into a sexual relationship yet it transcended time and space.Your choice of words moved me to the edge of my chair, filled my heart with longing and satisfaction. Thank you for translating this story

    Liked by 1 person

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